when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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