dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
