I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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