You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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