I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
only you would photoshop your dick
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
