I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
