I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
