I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You are a genius and a whore.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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