Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
