I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I could make wine with my vomit
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
