Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
