We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
