your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
