it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
And then he peed in my hair
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