Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
