I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
