I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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