I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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