So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
