dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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