There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
