I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize