do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
