I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
