I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize