i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
