i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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