Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So much rum. So many feels.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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