I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
