He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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