If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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