I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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