I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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