i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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