Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize