I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
