if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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