Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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