omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
