fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
