Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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