My friends, they love my intelligence
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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