I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
