i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
