Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
