I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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