My Higher Power is John Stamos
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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