Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
please come you make the beer taste better
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
