Moan for me like Helen Keller
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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