Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
