you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
