I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
