I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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