Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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