I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
