just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
