I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
