I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
