Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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