the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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